In search of the Secret Footballer

I have a confession to make. After being enlightened, shocked and taught a lesson or two about the beautiful game through the Guardian's excellent Secret Footballer blog series, I have decided that I cannot read on without forming a reasonable, perhaps ill-informed yet plausible guess as to I believe the mystery athlete is.

Thankfully, it seems I'm not alone in my inquisitive ways. The blog and subsequent books have spawned great success for both the publication and unnamed footballer, attracting hundreds of thousands of readers and earning great praise from all corners of the sports writing community. Many have attempted to guess the identity of the Secret Footballer and many, I believe, have failed in their attempts.

Now, before I lay out the findings of a very brief yet thorough investigation into his identity, I must state that I do not profess to know anything that would pass by the average football fan. I am not privy to any confidential information regarding the player, nor am I in any way connected to him or his family. I am simply stating the facts.

I also cannot take full praise for the bulk of my findings, as many have already highlighted some of the the points I am about to mention. However, after trawling through tens of blogs that name the player I am about to tout as the Secret Footballer, I believe there's definitely a place for an article which gathers a sizeable chunk of the evidence surrounding the debate in one place.  

To some it will be of no great shock. To others it may still be an uneducated guess, but I hope I've put forward a reasonable argument all the same.

After taking everything into consideration, I have reason to believe that Dave Kitson, ex-Portsmouth, Stoke City, Reading and now Oxford United striker, is the Secret Footballer. Here's where the dots add up.

SF: Born in England, caught his big break whilst playing non-league football

DK: Yes and yes. David Barry Kitson was born in Hitchin, North Herfordshire, and was signed up by Cambridge United following a stint at Arlesey Town. Speaking of his early beginnings in 'I Am the Secret Footballer', his first title under Guardian Books, SF says in the late 1990s he was determined to get out of his home town where "precious little of any interest ever happened". Kitson signed his first pro contract with Cambridge United in 2001.

SF: A married man known to resist advances from the opposite sex

Kitson - A misfit at Stoke

DK: Very much a married man who once announced that his disastrous big-money move to Stoke in 2008 almost cost him his career and family. Here's the link: http://tinyurl.com/pqvlaut.

SF: Played under four managers, has been transferred between two Premier League clubs, has fallen out with at least one boss

DK: Ticks all three boxes here. Kitson has played under several managers during his career, which in 2008 saw him transfer to Stoke from Reading in an exchange between two Premier League clubs. It was there that he was drawn into a very public spat with Potters' boss Tony Pulis (more on that later).

SF: Not a keeper

DK: Nope, most certainly a striker. I bring this up because one of the candidates in the SF frame is David James, and SF's admission that he is not a goalkeeper would effectively rule this one out.

SF: Has been involved in a deadline day transfer

DK: Stoke's deadline day move for Portsmouth's Marc Wilson saw Kitson and Liam Lawrence head in the opposite direction, much to the delight of the misfiring striker.

SF: Kicked a changing room bathtub following a particularly stressful game whilst at Portsmouth

DK: Only managed 12 goals in 68 appearances during his two years at Pompey. Considering these were spent in the Championship, a league lower than the level he may have been used to, there's every chance the bathtub might have got it if Kitson had an off game.

SF: Enjoyed holidays in Denmark as a child

DK: Kitson may have dropped a massive hint regarding his rumoured writing persona in January of last year by admitting to a Danish interviewer that he visited the country during his childhood. Perhaps the clue would have been less subtle had SF spent his half-terms in Butlins or Tenerife, but Denmark? Not the most popular of holiday destinations, I'm sure you'll agree.

SF: Earned as much as £30k per week during his stint in the Premier League

Happier times at Stoke

Being a £5.5 million signing to Premier League side Stoke (fairly big money in 2008), one would guess Kitson's salary would be around the £30k mark.

SF: A Tottenham fan who once travelled to Italy to watch his side's Champions League round-of-16 tie against AC Milan

DK: While Kitson has been smart enough not to mention where he was for this particular match, he is indeed a Spurs fan - a fact he shared in an interview with the Daily Mail, found here: http://tinyurl.com/o4jmuoh. 

SF: Was in Fabio Capello's England plans, only to scupper his chances of an international call-up by getting into a spot of trouble before the squad was announced

DK: Performed well for Reading in the 2007/08 season and many journalists (including the one here http://tinyurl.com/o9z8tg4) thought he stood a good chance of gaining his first international cap.

SF says he heard from two good sources at the FA that he would receive the call-up for England's friendly against Switzerland on February 6, but his antics on the night following the good news meant his name hit the national press, only for all the wrong reasons.

A month before the squad was announced, Kitson was charged with drink-driving after apparently driving erratically near his home. This may have been the incident that shut the door on his England career before it could begin.

SF: Was a member of a Premier League side's 'bomb squad' along with at least three others after being frozen out by his manager 

DK: For those unfamiliar with the term 'bomb squad', it refers to a group of players who have fallen out of favour with their boss. They will often train separate to the first team, sometimes in the reserves or sometimes on their own.

Pulis - A bad match for Kitson

Despite being fit for most of his time at Stoke, Kitson only managed 34 games for the club over two seasons. He clashed with Potters boss Tony Pulis on a number of occasions and was repeatedly left out of the side as a result. Now, here's where it really gets interesting.

In 'I Am The Secret Footballer' SF says he was forced to train separately with as few as four squad members. Pulis was notorious for spending millions of pounds on a player, falling out with them or deciding they weren't good enough for the league and leaving them to rot in the reserves.

During Kitson's two years at Stoke this was certainly the case with Michael Tonge (signed for £2 million in 2008, played 12 games over three years), Tom Soares (signed for £1.25 million in 2008, played seven games over four years) and Vincent Pericard (free signing in 2006, played just five games in 2007/08).

While this happens at many Premier League clubs, particularly at newly promoted sides with newfound wealth and nowhere to store their Championship-level cast, Pulis is exactly the type of manager to have a bomb squad of sorts.

If you need any further evidence, see the Stoke careers of Maurice Edu (still contracted to the club after signing in 2011, one appearance), Jamie Ness (still contracted to Stoke after signing in 2011, zero appearances) and Ibrahima Sonko (played for the club between 2008-2011, made 14 appearances including zero over his last two seasons).

SF: Has an alternative taste in music, naming Joy Division, Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd among his most played artists

DK: So maybe this won't be the final piece in your own investigation into who the secret footballer is, but I feel that some of the finer details of the matter always help when narrowing down a list of potential candidates.

Leading the line for Oxford

As you'll see in this video http://tinyurl.com/nzafdk9, Kitson has little time for the R&B that blasts around changing rooms before games, claiming to be a fan of bands such as Oasis and The Beatles - and only on CD. Well, this one rules Ashley Cole out at least.

SF: Now playing in the lower leagues after reaching his peak

DK: Currently mounting a challenge for promotion in League Two, three steps down from where he may feel he belongs, Oxford United is Kitson's current side.

SF: Knows an American player, possibly an ex-teammate, very well

DK: Kitson's mention of US international and ex-Reading winger Bobby Convey at the end of the video posted above only gave me another reason to believe that he is behind these wonderful columns. Only just over 30 Americans have played in the Premier League since the turn of the century, and Kitson's friendship with Convey means he has ties to at least one.

SF: Can recall being on the receiving end of a meaty block from Manchester United's Antonio Valencia

DK: As the footage will testify, Kitson was most certainly on the receiving end of a ribbing from the Ecuadorian powerhouse in a game against United at the Britannia Stadium: http://tinyurl.com/ph4lbn7.

Still, despite all the evidence, the biggest question has to be whether Kitson - a man with no written titles to his name - could manage to piece together a well-structured weekly column to rival some of the very best in the sporting world. This is in addition to writing two books which have put countless turgid football biographies to shame.

Although I acknowledge that some of the Guardian's sub-editors may have had a slight hand in the construction of his work, the bulk of the writing must have been done by the player. Why would they put up with him otherwise?

SF's pieces always flow magnificently, provide a perfect commentary to the stories they're telling and throw in words I'll occasionally have to Google.

Do I believe some of the more well known SF candidates such as Danny Murphy, David James or Kevin Davies could achieve the aforementioned feats? No. For me, the Secret Footballer has to be an unknown quantity; a shy yet well-spoken player who has yet to grace the British press with his presence.

After all, considering how far Clarke Carlisle has gone with knowing the difference between 'their' and 'they're', it's fair to say that had the SF already caught the public eye, he may have already received his invitation to MENSA.

A rare interview

All I ask to back up this point is you look at the several video interviews involving Kitson and see for yourself. For a footballer, he's remarkably well-spoken. Like SF he seems very opinionated and is more than happy to share his views on the modern game.
yourself (see: http://tinyurl.com/qdxrq5b).

As for the rest of the published candidates, I've read their columns and can honestly say I've never been bowled over by any of their work. It's also worth mentioning that as they have ties to national publications (Murphy to the Daily Mail, Davies to The Mirror), it's unlikely that The Guardian would take them on whilst they were on the books of one of their competitors.

I am adamant that SF is someone we rarely hear from. His columns are always fresh, bursting with insight and excellent at tackling some of the most delicate areas surrounding football.

I personally believe the Secret Footballer is a player who doesn't face up to the camera every Sunday and, by knowing this is the only media job he has to safeguard, is more than willing to delve into the nitty gritty of modern day football and inform fans about what goes on behind closed doors.

For me, all signs point to Kitson - a man who has enjoyed a modest yet seemingly eventful career as a professional footballer.